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Binders Full of Women
people have been having a great time with that little error of phrasing! We understand what he meant, but if you look at the whole discussion that quote is a part of, then you can see the systematic lack of understanding of how entrenched sexism works. He was trying to fix a problem with a band aid, and the main problem is his attitude, which has lead into the unfortunate phrase about the binders full of women.

I am starting to get the urge to do some strength training/row again. The urge is there but I still want to wait another week or so. I might kick off some push ups instead for now. My shoulders are going to kill me!

Doctor Who
We watched the end of season 4 last night. I didn't explode into a wall of rage this time around, but I may have been slightly distracted. Still pissed off about the way the writers handled Donna in the end, and watching it again also made me realise that they knew what they were doing. There's a theme running through the season with Donna about her struggles with obscurity. She has these awesome talents and skills and gets jobs with them, but then the problems that get her fired tend to not be her own problems - her boss in Turn Left with the wandering hands, her fiancee in the beginning... and she is brilliant. Just in the normal world she never quite fits in, and to give her that moment of glory, and then to whip it out from under her... it still really upsets me! And some of the cheap shots were unnecessary - her interest in Jack could have been handled so much better :( They're still my one true pairing though LOL

I relate so well to Donna because I think I am talented and maybe even a little brilliant at times. But I also struggle with obscurity, and make conscious choices about where to put my energies to ensure I get what I want from life. I want to shine, and I love working with people, and I love to teach/explore/learn... but there's so much stuff that *has* to be done. I want to shine, and be paid for shining! :D I don't want much LOL I'm still trying to get there...

Three days in a row! Oh gosh! Sleep! I was super productive yesterday even if I didn't get everything done. I should do some of those things today but it's my first kid free day! J and V are both in school today! Yay! 

The Project
I have some one coming out today to look at the property and someone coming out tomorrow. I am stunned with the sheer brilliance of customer service when you need to sell a house. Maybe I should look at selling houses for a job! And the sales rep coming out today is bringing his wife with him, who happens to be a mortgage broker. I am expecting these two will be a killer couple. I should run and hide now! So the Data is starting to flow. I was hoping to have al my info by the end of the month, not the end of the week! I am in a bit of shock!

Random Ramble

Well, yesterday was a busy day!

People are Strange
So I posted on FB yesterday saying I didn't want to be alone, but that it was OK. Someone pinged me later and said "Ok, I'll bite, why are you feeling isolated?" and I was like WTF? Because, a) I didn't say I was feeling isolated, I said I was feeling alone, which are very different things. Isolation means I feel I can't access my friends or family at a time where I need to, whereas alone just means without the company I'd like. Mostly, I felt like I wanted to spend time with Chesh because there's some very large thoughts going down around here, and I wanted to talk to him about them. However, every one invited me over for lunch and coffee so I ended up spending a lot of time yesterday talking to people other than Chesh about my thoughts and ideas about the move, and that was awesome.

And B) You'll bite? Really? You think I post on FB just to bait people into talking to me? Really? *tries to look even more disblieving* How about you actually preface the comment with some words that might indicate you actually care, especially since you seem to think I was feeling isolated (which, on the scale of things, seemed to cause more worry in you than alone did) where as opening with "I'll bite" is just ... annoying.

Got another one today too.
"I was wondering how you're going with this..."
Really? It's so hard to say "Hey, where are you with this task?" I was wondering how you phrase your emails like that, but, you know, I'm not about to email back "Well, I was wondering about doing the task but then I started wondering about playing facebook games and before I knew it I was wondering about replying to your email and lo and behold nothing ever got done!" If I was seriously premenstrual (read: viewing the world through a haze of hate and anger) then I may have responded... but since I don't seem to be too premenstrual, I shall translate from passive aggressive into real communication and work from there.


Ok, maybe I am a leeetle premenstrual? But in a fun way? Maybe? LOL

The Project
Talked to lots of people yesterday, and also talked lots to Chesh yesterday. Yay talking! I have ideas. But first, the data collection. I need to start with how much is this house worth, to sell or rent, and get some info on that. Next stage will be info from the banks about how much we can potentially borrow, and the third stage of Data will be examining and critiquing our budget and starting a fitness regime for our spending habits. We're both pretty excited about this now, and so hoping there will be some real progress. :)

I Didn't Want To Be Alone
because I don't want to be the only one making all the decisions and home building that this is going to entail. It's going to take so much work, and I want Chesh to be on board and aware of the stuff we/I are going to need to look into and address. I bought this house here, Chesh didn't even see it until after we had put in an offer on it. He was OK with that - we just decided at the time that he didn't want to make the time/trusted me to do pick a good enough house. We still love the house and will be sad to see it go, but the original plan was to only be here until the kids were about 10 - 12, and then move. So we move it forward a few years. :) So, first step is Data. Then we need to start considering other issues, such as my getting a job, how much savings we will need to organize, picking a new suburb, listing the important, urgent, and wish-for lists for the new house, and also finding out what houses are like these days. There's will have been 13 years worth of new houses built since I last looked at house hunting, so I am pretty excited to see what is out there now. Chesh was pretty shocked to discover that most newish houses don't have double brick outer walls. I have no opinions on that!

Administrivia (List du Jour)Collapse )
Last word... thought some more about determined vs stubborn. Determined is where you choose your path, and it's difficult to sway you. Stubborn is where someone else chooses your path, and you choose not to be swayed.

Oooo, deep! LOL
*hugs* to every one!

Random Ramble

Weekly Weigh In!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :1
Current Weight: 112
Current Loss: 3.1
Cumulative Loss: 3.1

Water weight gone. Time for some serious weight loss now. I'm expecting about a pound a week, but that will vary depending on my period. I will lose a pound for the first three weeks, hold onto a pound on the fourth and then dump it all for a 2 or 3 pound loss after/during my period.

I am now the smallest I have been in probably two decades. I don't know. This is the smallest BMI, the smallest weight. It's both happy making and terrifying.

I have lost 9.8 kilos this year.

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Reddit is a veritable minefield for interesting things this week! Today it's a post about the sneaky little things people do to help make their partner's lives a little bit better. It really sweet!

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Ketoing away!
Yay! I have started ketoing! I noticed yesterday that I was getting that taste in my mouth, and the ketostix are starting to go pink. This morning I got deep purple! This is good (yay, back into ketoing) but also means that my body is innefficient at burning ketones, which will come later. A keto spill now is good, it means my body is burning fats correctly. But soon the ketostix won't do anything because my body will burn more efficiently again. I'm really pleased with the diet, it's all going really well!

Thoughts on Boundaries, Happiness, and Poly Independance
Thinking about boundaries and independance today, and also reading articles and stuff about it too. This is an article on Reddit about being independant and poly, and also leachim posted this about the pursuit of happiness vs actual happiness. Boundary setting and awareness is such an important thing for happiness. I disagree with the pursuit vs actual happiness when they say that happy times have to go, as time passes. I think the pursuit of happiness is a skill we need to teach people how to develop; and this is why there's so many self help books out there. We all have our own waus of going about do it, but in the end, it's YOU and YOUR happiness that has to be figured out. Books can give you hints and suggestions, but rarely will it give you the answer. Happiness itself, I think, can be encouraged and developed but is also shaped by the things we bring into the happiness, and I don't see why a happy moment won't add to a general sense of happiness that persevers long beyond the sun is gone and the tea is drunk. But this, too is a skill that has to be developed.

The Reddit article was interesting for me in that it talks about the formation of a team in a relationship. IE, we're independant and self aware, and we know our boundaries and needs, but when we form a relationship, we are forming a team, and this is why we need to know when the other people in our teams are working in tandem with us, rather than in opposition. I am very much a proponent of Ask culture rather than Guess culture, and so these sorts of discussions are not as difficult for me as they can be for some but once again it's a skill that needs to be developed and committed to. Once we know what we want, we can then reach for it. Reaching as a team is a very different skill to reaching as a single, and reaching while in *any* poly relationship also has a different shape and form.

I was talking to someone once about his relationships and mine, and he was making jokes that the V shapes should meet, suggesting the F - F section should develop a poly relationship and have hot sex. He was joking, but at the same time it's a curious thing that he used the word 'should' in this discussion so often, but never the word 'allow.'

Back to the previous points raised in the Pursuit of Happiness vs Happiness article, it also talks about the search for meaning. I have been searching for meaning again for a few weeks now, which means that I am starting to feel stable enough, energetic enough, to start putting my head above water, and maybe daring to breath again. This means anaesthetizing myself through Casteville and Facebook no longer provides what I needed, and I am preparing once agan to engage with myself on a different level. This usually means it's writin' time! 

This is fantastic and difficult! Yay, my addiction is ending/ended. Boo, now I have to engage. (Ooo yuck it is so humid right now! Sorry, had to whine.) However, it's also planning time! (Yay!) so that I engage usefully with the things I wish to encourage/love/grow in my life. I feel like I am finally me again in some obscure way that I can't pin down. I have missed this clarity of thought and feeling, being lost in emotions and cycles lately. Some of the words I have been using lately have finally come home to be meaningful, perhaps, whereas before they were just words on the wind.

Methods of Care
I have also been talking about the ways people care, or show they care, in relation to me when I am upset or emotional. I distrust my emotions, something I think I picked up from my dad, especially when they are too great for me to think through. I need physical contact, i think, though if I don't want contact with you at the time, then it means I'm hurting/upset/angry. I'm pretty obvious, really, because then i will tell you. I think the problem is that when I am emo, my defenses are raised and I can be just as awful as any one else. I struggle to control it, and I struggle with my anger. It goes quickly - ask Ju. I was pretty ropable at lunch the other day, and once the damn was opened I vented and vented and vented until finally the flow of words slowed down, and then... of course... I suggested setting fire to every one who had upset me. Threatening to set fire to things is my way of being finished, and having that clarity begin to return. It doesn't mean that my clarity is back by a long shot LOL but it's coming back, and it's a way to inject a little levity into the situation. What, other people don't laugh while they're hurting? I do, I am always looking for the funny things, the little amusements that make me smile. This doesn't negate the importance of the situation, but laughing together helps me to feel connected to the person I am talking to.

Peppering Questions
I have been asking lots of people their thoughts and opinions about moving house. It seems lots of people are doing it right now! This is now your space - what do you suggest/recommend/story you wish to tell me? Good ones would be lovely LOL but I am also curious as to what you prioritise when it comes to a house, or mortgage, or even your life and how it is shaped by your choices in living arrangements. Have fun!

Random Ramble

I am processing a lot of stuff right now, and the song that's helping me through is this one:

I have had it on repeat for two days now!

Tooth has stopped hurting. I must not use this as an excuse to put off the dentists though. I really don't want to go. I don't need another 2 weeks of pain, drugs, and unwellness. Not right now. Eating has been good though, I am really happy with how my habits have just snapped back into place. Successfully navigated Han's Cafe yesterday. The meal was not the best of experiences, but the tom kha was meh but noodle free, and the satays were meh but once again carb free.

Running on Quicksand
I feel like I am running as hard as I can but there's somethng that just keeps sucking at my feet, making my work invisible or useless, and I never quite know what's going on under the sand. It's annoying and it's there and it's not going away and I an't slow down but I can't get any faster either. And it shifts; sometimes it's a hill or a mountain, sometimes I am running up or sometimes I am running down. This month sucks. I am totes ready for it to be over with. There's some pretty major discussion about life decisions going on around here. And changing the side of the bed has taken away something that often makes me feel better - comfort. I'm not sleeping well, there's all this emo stuff coming up, and it's coming from every one. I just sat on the bed for an hour this morning staring out the window and thinking, processing away. The big thing from last night is that John and I need to consider moving.

This scares me.

It scares me on the scale of the project. It scares me on the scale of the potential mortgage. It scares me because there's no right or wrong decision, there is only a decision, and we hold in our hands our kids' lives. The size of getting this house ready to sell actually terrifies me. The money we're going to need to spend to make it sellable to other people frightens me. The changes in our lives to do this frightens me. It frightens me because I might have to get a job, and then try to juggle everything I have, plus work. I don't want to give up anything. I don't want to give up the kid's after hours times, I don't want to give up my loves, I don't want to give up writing or Saucy Sarahs... and I cried last night, thinking of the guilt I will feel if there's no parent at home when the kids get home from school. No warm house. No one to say "Hi, how was your day?" And obviously this is a big thing for me because I am crying again!

I have been spending a lot of energy on relationships around me lately, but oddly enough, not as much as I have previously. The fact my changes in eating plan are working is an awesome sign that I have *enough* right now to begin working again on my health issues, which means my resevoir must be, if not filled, at least at a comfortable level. There's going to be some drastic changes next year with people possibly moving away ...  ok, not so possibly moving away. Of my inner circle, pretty much every one except two people will be in new cities if things go well for them. yay them! But this does also mean my inner circle recharging is going to be ... hard. I draw on my inner circle for comfort and love and I'm so very happy that there's so much potential for them, but I am also aware that the next year will be very different for me and my home, and that the year after that my life is currently unimaginable.

Also, you can't all leave before I ask for help to fix my house!! LOL Oh my, will that be a gardening day to see! Should we have it in winter so we can burn all the sticks and leaves from the front garden? Bonfire, miniskip, naked dancing around the flames?? (Ok, so now I am excited already LOL)

I think my big problem right now is the sense of being in flux. I am used to visualising the future and making it happen, and one of the things I haven't put too much attention into is the home. I'm stable and happy, after all, so why would I? Though I have been demanding an 8 bedroom 4 bathroom house with a granny flat, I've also been allowing myself to anaesthetize myself through CV and FB, and this has to stop. The end result is that I need to start working harder other sources of income, I think. I have started to get paid for writing this year, which is what I wanted in year 4 of my five year plan, but I need to work this a bit harder.

Future Thoughts
I think I have written this out enough that I can feel a bit calmer. I always planned for us to move, but not until the boys were older. We might not even move. There's some research ahead to do, and then I can move forward. No project is insurmountable. I just need to make sure we get what we need when we make decisions and then act upon them. I also needed this wake up call, I think. I know I have been pissing my time away. Time to start work again. :)

Random Ramble

I think I have a tooth abcess. It would explain my constant getting infections, so hopefully once this is rectified there will be no more infections in my body at all! Yay! 

Yep, day two, still detoxing. I bought some ketostix, and these ones have sugar monitors on them! Awesomefun! I also bought myself a blood sugar monitor but won't be playing with that just yet. No cravings today, and I found it surprisingly easy to switch back into the diet. It's not so much a detox as just the way I intend to eat for the rest of my life, barring special occasions. So, I am using MyFitnessPal for a giggle, and trying to log my food. It involves some random wild guesses, but for the first two days I have eaten around 1400 calories a day. Apparently I need 2200 or something, but even last time when I was logging I noticed I tend to sit naturally at 1400. It is surprising how much food 1400 calories can be. This includes bacon and eggs, coffee with cream, tom kha gai, satay sticks, my V-8, cheese, pork scotch fillet... I couldn't finish my scotch fillet as I was still too full from a late lunch and the V-8 and cheese I ate after my nap. I am also back into the 2 - 3 litres of water a day thing, which leads into...

Crampy crampy
When I drink so much water, my already delicate salts/sodium/electrolyte balance gets even more fucked up. So I have been drinking one V-8 (250mL with a little extra macrobiotic salt) plus taking the magnesium tablets to try and offset the loss through urine. Last night I woke up at 4:45 with MEGACRAMPS down the front of my calves. I did my usual electrolyte drink (1/2 teaspoon macrobiotic salt, 1 tablespoon lemon juice, 250 mls water) and had a hot shower, and then I couldn's sleep because I have muscle pains elsewhere... I think now due to the infection in my system to the abcess! What a complex PITA I can be!

I suppose you all wanna know the goss, right?
Ok then! Weigh day is actually Sunday. I've just been busy!

Starting Weight: 115.1
End of Week :0
Current Weight: 115.1
Current Loss: 0
Cumulative Loss: 0

Saw Hotel Transylvania today. It's a bromance. It was Ok but I didn't like the gender stuff. Sidelining, demeaning, annoying, horrible gender stuff. Other than that it was a pretty standard movie. Definitely a bromance though. It's all about Drac and Johnnie.

Random Ramble

Randomly Rambling on a Saturday! Gosh, what will happen next? Masterplan: sort out health this month, Nanowrimo next month, Christmas the month after... dear gods.

So, it's time to clean up my act. I have been thinking on this for days, and I have been thinking about attack plans and preparation. I like a low carb, whole food kind of approach, as I am sure most people must know by now. :) So first, some thoughts. I have to be mentally ready, and part of this means not eating my feelings any more, being more in control when I am out and feeling good, and also being aware of my traps.

Anxiety and Eating My Feelings.
I have been very up and down mentally lately, with a whole slew of things draining my mental energy and distracting me from life in general. One of those things has been a huge rift between my Mum and I, which left me devastated but also left me feeling quite under seige in my own home. Things are starting to work out, but I've been feeling anxious and upset and miserable for most of a week, which has been annoying to say the least. Plus there was a miscommunication with a loved one, and some other general anxious moments. But as someone pointed out, I have had my three and everything should be fine from now on. 

I need to figure out a way to not eat my feelings any more. I have to re-pattern my comforts. :( This is the hardest part, I think, of trying to make this a permanent change. When I am upset of course I am going to reach for something to distract me or make me feel better. So how am I going to change this? What are my options? I can ring people, I guess. Ju might get tired of the sound of my voice, but there are other people I can go to for comfort. I guess. I'm still learning how to do that and not get hurt. I don't think it's been so successful yet. Also, I am planning on divorcing Castleville. How many addictions can I tackle in a week? Suggestions will be welcome!

Going Out and Feeling Good
I have been making bad food choices when I have been out and enjoying myself, and food is often a key part of self care and morale. I need to be more conscious of my choices, and frame the decisions as more 'enjoyment is also choosing healthy food for myself' and 'self care is ensure I make choices based on health rather than desire.' There's always options I can choose if I look hard enough, and treats of quality rather than quantity should be the idea. 

Don't Go Near That Trapdoor!
Oh dear gods the traps! My weaknesses... Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. *cries* Chiko Rolls. *cries* Noodles *cries* (though rice noodles do less damage to me wheat noodles do and I usually choose rice noodles these days.) Crusts of freshly baked bread. *cries* Take away. (No crying here, I hate takeaway but sometimes the efficiency in procurement means we get it.)

So. If I buy or any one gives me Buttercups, I shall.... um, stash them somewhere and use them as rewards? Except I want to get away from the rewards as food thing in my head.  Ask John to stash them somewhere? Eat them all in one go and then be happy? Save it for the cheat meal? Ooo, I like that idea. I shall save them for the cheat meal. Delayed gratification should be fine. The Buttercups don't have much or any wheat in them, the only problem with them is the sugar. So on the scale of bad things, it's bad on the sugar side but not the wheat side.

So. If I am out of the house and need to eat something, I shall... Try and make better choices about food. Less processed food, wheat free food, good, healthy food. Options include carrying a tin of tuna with me at all times (yuck but I usually don't need to snack after a while anyway, and it's OK with salads), buying water, or perhaps considering liquid meals, such as a fruit or vegie smoothie thing. That would also fall in line with the less wheat angle, and the processing angle isn't too bad, it's more the additives that come with processing that's the problem in other foods I am worried about. Restaurants often have salads, or lumps of meat with salads, and I can ask them to hold the potatoes/chips/whatever.

What I can do in the house to make sure my needs are met and my detoxing from carbs is successful.
- when I have the urge to snack, I can eat cheese, boiled eggs, tuna, drink water, have a coffee
- I will make sure my water bottle gets filled regularly as I know I drink it when I fill it
- Make sure there is cooked chicken or meatballs or protein foods handy
- make sure there is always salad ingredients handy
- if I am out of the house and at someone else's house and I am desperate, fruit is usually available and is wheat free and not processed
- I will buy a half a cow
- I will buy 12 kilos of chicken legs asap
- I will do a final edit of my shopping list to get rid of any processed foods that have snuck into my list.
- Breakfast ideas can include a boiled egg and V-8 if I can't stand bacon and eggs any more.
- No tomato sauce
- no packaged bernaise
- One week's chicken cooked and in the freezer at all times
- One cheat meal a week, or less.

Final Notes
I will start on Monday I guess. I am going to get my monthly shop delivered on Monday, and I have no idea what food is already in the house. I was a bit out of it when I did last month's shop, so I bought heaps of condiments and a couple of packaged stuff. I am more alert this month, so I will go over it and make sure I get rid of the stuff that might be tempting to me. We need to do a weigh in as I found that not weighing in did not help me at all when I tried to clean up during August or whenever it was that I got so sick I ended up on 2 types of antibiotics.. I am looking forward to having everything under comtrol again. I can't believe how often we eat when we're eating crap. I can't wait to stop snacking, and I can't wait to stop feeling cramped and bloated in the tummy when I know I can fix that. Maybe I should just take measurements rather than weigh in. Also, once the initial week or two is over, I will be going back to the gym. Yay gym! Firm decision required - weigh ins plus measurements I think.

Suggestions or comments welcome but I reserve the right to ignore any trolling or unhelpful comments.


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Still going on. :( Need to see physio(today, yay!) and also stop eating wheat and sugar. It's a crutch right now, and I don't know if I can let go just yet.

I have been thinking a lot about narratives and the construction of narratives. We make meaning from the stories in our lives, and narrative flow is as important as real events are. Our brains construct narratives at all times, ways of deepening understanding and learning lessons and seeing the world as a cohesive place. I wonder if the desire for narrative is what gave birth to the original religions, and is what keeps religions going. We all want to be part of a great work, a narrative that is bigger than us and also meaningful. We see smaller narratives in the way we interact with other people and understand feelings and responses to those narratives. Changing those narratives takes so much work, and I want to be sure it's worth the work.

Big Brother
Ooo, I don't like Michael burning Layla's limited edition Burberry bag that was a gift from a friend. Limited. Edition. Gift. Burberry. Wow. I am glad Michael is thoroughly pissed off with himself, I think he deserves it!