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A Very Hungry Caterpillar
OG when did livejournal become facebook?

Mar. 20th, 2014

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
 I really need someone to talk to sometimes 

Very Random Ramble!

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
OMG how long has it been since I posted? You all know I only come here when I have time, right?? So.. have been a tad busy.

So, a bit of a run down for those who are curious.

I got a job! I can't remember if I posted here to mention that. I am now working for iiBorg, provisioning telephones and internet at a place near you. This week, i have dreamed about work every night. Last night, I dreamt about connecting phone lines, adsl, being on a headset and being on calls several times. In different dreams. *sigh*

So, my typical day looks a lot like this:

6:10 we get out of bed and I shower while john makes coffee and breakfast. I am having problems with food right now, so I eat as much as I can of one egg and a slice of bacon, and drink my coffee while brushing hair/getting dressed/trying to be presentable. If I have time, I will play about 5 minutes of farmville, but only if someone else has already turned on the PC. I just don't bother if the PC is not already on.

7:00 we drive me to the train, and I catch the train to Subi.

On the train, I check FB and this week, I rang people. Wow, me using the phone! Voluntarily! For longer than five seconds! Wow! I have been driven by desperation - time crunched and half my friends all moving to Melbourne... so yeah. I am learning to use the phone. And learning to use my phone credit LOL

8:10ish I am at work for an 8:30 start. I take calls and do tasks. I get one 15 minute break, one 30 minute lunch, and one 10 minute break. Finish at 5:00 and walk back to the train station and catch the train home. John catches up with me in Perth and we train home together.I check FB and he plays Civilisation.

6:00ish we get home, and on Mondays we still have our Family nights with willowgypsy and leachim. Willow picks up the kids from school and cooks us dinner, so I walk through to door to a loving family, which is just ... *awesome*. Tuesday Mum has the kids and it's just the four of us for dinner, and then Wednesday we have Doctor Who night, and leachim often walks through the door at the same time as we do, or else about ten minutes later. Thursdays it's usually just four of us, and Friday is Daycare day, and every couple of weeks I go out with leachim. Chesh goes to Artifactory most Wednesday nights except for once a month when it's Polymeet night, and I go to Polymeets.

Weekends are often spent trying to catch up. Throwing in Swancon and other stuff, we have been hell busy. Now Swancon is over, I am concentrating on my home life more. I am trying to retrain Vin's sleep habits so he stops getting outof bed five times and not sleeping until 9:30, and we have had some wins there - he is often asleep before 8:00 this week - yay!

He's been having 'sads' which i think have been a combination of a number of factors - lactose buildup when he is intolerant (an experiment gone wrong, really), low iron, sleep deprivation, and the changes going on around here. They are completely terrifying for me. It's sucha struggle, and I struggle with me, and my self, to do the best thing in his interest and mine. I want to scream and shout and make him stop, but I don't want to be that person, so I struggle and just try to be there for him while he's screaming at me to go away. It's a bit of a mess but the severity is dropping, to the point where I think the food and sleep is starting to have a good effect and it's more of a tantrum than a full on emotional storm. I have hopes that there will be no sad this weekend - they seem to happen a lot at five seconds to dinner time on Sunday nights.

The changes with working the re-distribution of my stresses has actually been going really well. There were going to be changes of course, but I was wondering if they would be difficult to incorporate mentally. It is odd and I miss the kids and my old life a lot, but at the same time, I get paid! And I'm not as exhausted as I thought I would be - I still walk outof there with the urge to create and play with colour and write. I just don't have much un-allocated time, and I am getting used to using what un-allocated time I do have. It's only been a couple of months, and it usually takes about 6 for things to really sort itself out. Then I am sure I will get back into editing/writing. It's so awesome to still have the urge, even if I don't get to actually *do* much. Painting my nails is both a creative outlet and some self care that brings me joy. :) I get to play with colours! And buying mini OPIs is my new hobby, and I am rather loving it.

Swancon was really lovely. I wanted a quiet con where I could just enjoy it, and not "work," and that happened. I had some very special moments with all my closest friends, and signed up for programming with John for 2015. Yes, that's how much extra energy one con "off" can give me LOL and I am really excited to be working with the committee.

Oddly enough, now I have no time and no interest in food, I want to have awesome dinner parties again. I want to spend time cooking as an art on the weekends. I made soup and stew yesterday, and have bought a new cooking mag and suggested a dinner party to some friends while imagining the stacked and layered chocolate desserts I could make for every one.

Ok, enough rambling for now. I should go clean something, but I have already done a bit of that... LOL
A Very Hungry Caterpillar
and, yeah, Ok, so it's a Fringe Festival event and all, so I was curious, plus I went with members of my constellation, so, you know, group experiences and all that... but TBh this post could be titled:

POLY: THEY'RE DOING IT WRONG

The play was well acted, music was lovely, lighting was great, it was a perfectly fine presentation. Most of my problems seem to stem from the story. It starts off with a scene where every one hates each other, and then they go back through a series of memories on how the couple turned into the triad and ended up all hating each other.

Problems I had

- All discussions seemed to happen between two of the triad, and not three. I forsee problems already. This is crucial when being poly - communicate communicate communicate.
- They talked about compromise, as in, they used the word. But they never actually seemed to do so, or explore it, or do anything other than throw the words around occasionally.
- Discussions were very emotive and very little use. One thing I talk about a LOT is logistics. Who is where when, and does this meet every one's needs at the time? They just shouted a lot. It was irritating to see, and annoying to listen to.
- Unhappy ending. Cos that's just so rare it was new and interesting, right? Because just soooooo many relationships have happy endings, we should totally ignore the possibly interesting topics for something already done a thousand times before? (Sarcasm may have been engaged in the last sentence or two. I am not sorry.)
- There was *nothing* of interest in the story. Of all the things they could do, the author used tired tropes and issues that heteronormative couples face all the time, and our protags did *nothing* interesting, unusual, or challenging in response to those issues.
- I got a third of the way in and went "Oh god, there's going to be one big issue which breaks them all apart, right? It's either going to be X, or Z." I was right. There was one big issue that broke them apart. (See comment about "compromise").
- I started envisioning ways the story could have ended which would have been more interesting and more challenging. It wouldn't have been hard. IE.... so we get to the end, and then we see them sitting around a table and actually having a conversation and actually compromising and making space and allowances for each other... and actually being in a poly relationship, not in a series of interlinked monogamous relationship in which two parts of the triad run off and have emotive discussions which should have been done in their threesomes.
- "I want our relationship to progress!" That comment alone was annoying - they're in a fucking lesbian triad poly relationship. The very nature of that is doing their own thing, finding their own way, loving each other in ways that society is not built for. Progress to *what???*

So to a large degree, it kind of seemed like a play written by someone who is vaguely comfortable with poly relationships but not aware of them *in depth.* I keep thinking of ways they could have made it more interesting and challenging, such as what if the one who had wanted a baby had been the man? Then we have some rich fodder for a diverse discussion of the issues of poly vs heteronormative relationships. The play was called Poly, but it didn't feel like it was about Poly, it felt like it was about General Relationship Issues With Bonus Lesbian Sex Scene. The issues they faced could have been poly issues, but they weren't. If it was a true poly household (by my understanding) then the first discussions would have been about what issues the Big Issue was causing, how could we accomodate those issues/worries, what ways the family could grow and adapt to meet *everyone's* needs rather than just causing heartbreak and pain.

If the point of the play was that poly only work when every one wants the same thing, then I think the message was lost in the dross. And that's the same rule for any sort of relationship. Any relationship works when people want the same thing. So how is that message different from any other sort of relationship?

Breathing...

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
So, next year my family will have no income. Again. We did that earlier this year, and we've only just gotten back to the point where we don't owe any one money from that time, and we've paid off the debts and stuff that we accumulated. We were finally going to have a month without Christmas or Birthdays or door payments...

Except not, I guess.

The IT industry is a funny thing right now. We didn't feel the GFC so much at the time, but we certainly seem to be feeling the after effects. Not that it's actually over, as far as I remember it being reported. It's caused some real uncertainty in IT, and we've been working from contract to contract with the hope of a permanent position. The promise was lost, however when the mining companies started to take a hit too, and so no permanent job for us.

So now I am looking for a job too. Full time, interesting, stable... I can do a lot of stuff. I am flexible, self motivating, and a pleasure to work with. But I haven't worked for someone else for almost 8 years. It's not a black hole of time by any means. I have written novels, sold lingerie, run my own business, written manuals, developed an online home business, worked on the Board of WASFF for many years, volunteered at the school, seen some bits of America, sold short stories... I know all this because I have been writing job applications and going over my CV and wondering.... if I am enough.

I have to work out so much stuff. Do I want to try for a career? If so, what career? I have to start at the bottom again, and can I start in a way so I don't die of boredom while I learn from the ground up? Will anything I have done before be useful or valued? Am I hire-able? Can I get a stable job? Is any industry stable these days? What's the point in sorting out what *I* want when really, my family *needs* the stability over the possible career? If IT is as unstable as it appears to be, there has to be an income stream into the family that is constant and reliable. I would love to do temping for a while and do all sorts of things and see what's out there but maybe I just need something steady instead?

This is just the beginning of the job search. I have potentially months to go before I get hired. I struggle with the reversal of power in this situation; I want to be the one who does the research and picks the company to apply all my attention to, and when you're talking  career level stuff, that used to be the way to get your job. But these days I think I have to apply the scatter shot approach. Apply for as many low level jobs as possible in the hopes I get something. Anything. Whatever!

If Chesh manages to get his contract sorted out, there's going to be times when we're *both* working. And it's not even for the money, in that instance, that I need a job. It's the stability. I find this an odd position to be in. The last year has definitely had a lot of trust in it, that we'd find a suitable contract at a suitable rate and a suitable time, but the 9 weeks without pay earlier this year kind of destroyed that trust. This time when it was confirmed the permanent job would not be appearing, and that no contracts were being renewed (John had suspicions) we both hit the ground running. I bought half a cow. John started applying for a minimum of a job a day. I already remember the recipes and the meal plans to minimize food costs. I cried a bit, to be doing this again.

But this is life. :)

And the food is the least of our worries, in a way. I can do things with 10 kilos of rice and 10 kilos of mince to feed us for a month if I had to. The food is not really an issue. It's the bigger things that are going to bounce and worry me. I should start making lists and if we don't have a contract organized by January, I should start ringing companies and asking for suspensions. I don't want to. It's so much fluffing around and so annoying and so... so... embarrassing. I will ring anyway, and I know my cheeks will burn with something which could just be labelled shame. But whatever. I am not ashamed that I need help. I think it's more that I know people make judgements, and that I can't help that and I am powerless and I have to ask the powerful for help. It frustrates me and makes me angry that I'm not the powerful one. It's easy to be benevolent when I have the power. :) less easy when i don't.

I'm not the most graceful of people, that's certainly been proven lately. At least my bratty behaviour seems to be under better control. Hurting the people who love you is never a good thing.

Hurting people trying to help is also never a good thing. This is all just temporary, and I am secure in a web of love and loving people and I know we will be fine. nothing really has changed - we have food on the table and a roof over our heads. Yet something indefinable has changed, and the future seems more uncertain. I'm working through the future and trying to shape what I can but the ground is shifty and difficult to rely on. I need to harden the underlying supports to my family, and that means I can't just pull the wagons close and wait it out this time. I need to get out there and attack the problem. :) I need a job.

I have many worries. Maybe I should stick to writing about one of them at a time.

I find the whole jump from feast to famine really also very disconcerting. We will go from zero income to potentially thousands a month, especially if we're both working at the same time. Such a huge difference! I have to incorporate that into any plans for next year too. Everything is so uncertain. It's weird that there will be so much money coming in, and that we won't *need* it all. I am hoping to save it, keep it, and do stuff... but what? London or new home? Bali with the kids? Brisbane, Melbourne, Tasmania?

This also affects our hopes and plans to move. We won't be able to get a houseloan while Chesh is between contracts, and we can't use any potential job I might have because the banks won't allow for it until i have had the job for 6 - 12 months. Apparently because John has been in the same industry for years and years, his contract work is ok to get a house loan with. We're sitting on 130K of equity that we can't use.

I have nothing else to add to this post yet. It's just random rambling as I think and process. At least I am now at the point where i can think and process. I don't feel too stressed yet, but that might come later. Right now I am seeking ways to plan, to envision and to be prepared for what's coming. This year (2012) I think had some underlying themes of TRUST and FAITH. I'm not sure if I have learnt the lesson yet or if it's still ongoing. The word REDEFINITION is coming up a lot. Maybe it's time I redefined my family and the way it functions. It's time I redefined the roles we all play. It's time to redefine who I am again in an external sense rather than internal. It's time to redefine what my kids do and how they function in the family.

Goodbye 2012. I won't miss you much. You sure had some highlights but you sure had some lowlights too. 2013 will be better. :)


Ho baby Have I been Busy!

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
Swancon is coming! yay! I am SO OMG EXCITED! more excited than I am about the German Sparkle Party i am going to, and *that* involved a LOT of screaming on chat! 

YAY!

This of course begs the question, and since this year Chesh and I are fan Guests of Honour (OMG yay!)) I can't avoid it LOL...

What would you like me to do for you in panels? What do you want me to talk about, show, learn, explore, do? There's a programming meeting on Sunday which i am hoping to get to - will I see you all there?

Also! Gynaecon stuffs! Let's get some thoughts happening! Maybe we should do a review/retroactive look at the safe spaces panel and what we've done with it, and the shape of it now as to how it was the first few  years? A retrospective on some of the changes Gynaecon has brought Swancon? No big fandom blow ups this year, though we still have a few months to go :)

Talk to me peoples! Now!
:D

Tags:

Random Ramble

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
Religion
Turns out I have Views about people feeding my children religion. Huh. Now there's a surprise! There's a group during lunch time called Splashzone, which I thought was supposed to be to help support kids with problems, and hve a counselling bent. I am aware it's sort of run by the chaplain last year, but this year we don't really have a chaplain, we have a community officer. Anyway, I don't know how it happened but last term Vin went to one, and brought home a permission slip. Interesting, since he's not supposed to go before the permission slip was signed, and I didn't sign the form. This term, he's gone to another one, and they let him in without a form, and now he's asking us if we believe in God because of various airy fairy reasons and Chesh and I are Not. Impressed. Have had a word with the teacher, now considering writing a letter about it. We chose a public school because we didn't like John Wollaston's churchy thing, and they're not actually as bad as most. Hmph.

Sweet thoughts
People are mostly really awesome. This October has been a complete whirlwind of pain and horribleness, then followed up with three awesome things coming my way - lunch with a friend who lives in America, my pumpkin corset, and a rather awesome present from a friend moving house. It's been an odd month all over. So glad there's only a few more days left. And extremely appreciative of kind, sweet, thoughtful, flirty comments from friends. :D

Transcendancing is evil
She likes causing me pain. One of her special abilities is to be able to hold the intentionality of a relationship within herself as a solid, reliable thing. I've always been a do-er kind of person. Can't see it, touch it, do it, breathe it, then I'm not so sure it's real. However Transcendancing sort of holds the intent within her like it's a real thing, so the intent or desire to be with her is 'enough.' It's a lesson I am working very hard on learning. This learning thing is hard work. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn enough, do enough, be enough... so I can stop this learning/self working cycle. I am re-reading SARK's book at the moment about Succulent Wild Women (thanks for it Lilysea, it's been instrumental this month) and her BF once made a comment to her that they always seem to be working on their relationship, but never spending much time just being in the relationship. A lot of the last few months have felt like that, and I'm hoping that period is now easing off a bit, and I can enjoy being who I am right now and just enjoy the awesome men and women in my life.

Writing
November is just days away. I'm not sure I have enough fire to do Nano. However, if I don't try, I won't know. Hoping to finish off Skintree this year. Just not entirely sure *how* to do this. The original text is in scrivener, which means it's already peicemeal, and since I want wordcounts of new words, there's a fair amount of fiddling and overhead. Otherwise I port it into word or Notetab and do the writing as a solid block, but then I later have to cut it up to put it into scrivener in a useful manner. Eh, whatever.

The Project
Liking the idea of building more and more. I don't care what the outside of a house looks like (which helps) but I do care about space inside, which seems to suit the ideas that come across in the building plans these days.


Hormones Suck

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
... and then everything felt normal again.

Random Ramble

A Very Hungry Caterpillar
Health
Went to the gym today! Mostly because I am premenstrual and retaining water, and I wanted to zone out while walking. It is just easier to do that at the gym! walked for 25 minutes before I got too bored. Managed to put on 2 kilos this week! I expect it's water weight from period and a big weekend, but dammit! :)

I have no idea what I am going to write about this morning LOL I even had some worked out in my head with great titles and everything! Ah well! :)

Today is a Bit of an Odd Day
And I can't even put my finger on it exactly. Wasn't too cranky, given that some PMT days I am ragey, mostly I was just sort of ... inwards and slightly negative. Most of that seems to have lifted after the gym. I have taken three of the magnesium tablets and just had some cruskits with pate to increase my nutrition for the day. (The pate and carbs can help ease some of my symptoms as well as the magnesium tablets say to take 3 for PMT symptoms, and since I already take 2 a day it's not that much of a leap to take one more.) 

Ponderings
I have been pondering on a number of things lately, and I realise I have been feeling like I have let something go. I like conscious decisions about the important things in my life, but I feel like at some point my grasp on my life has slipped, and rather than me buffetting the world, the world is buffetting me. It's time for me to stop and think, and effectively regroup before I start any real work on any big projects. Still thinking very hard about the getting a job issue, as well as the moving house issue, and being PMTy on top of that has been... annoying. To put it mildly. I am still feeling out the shape of next year, I think, but having to do it in different terms from what I am used to.

I do wonder sometimes, what is my urgency? Why am I always in such a hurry? What do I think will happen if I don't hurry, or if I let things go? What could I let go? Is this the shape I want things to be?

I spent about twenty minutes sitting outside and just letting my thoughts ramble. I think I need to do this again and again until I find my central balance again. I need to find the magic words to bring the quietness in. I need to start creating again, rather than just being created.

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